Extra Marital Affairs: Yay, Five of Them?

The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and didn't wake up 'til at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

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Are you laughing now? It made you feel good, huh? Me too! Laughter is indeed the best medicine.

Discouragement - The Devil's Most 'used' Instrument

Sometimes in life, we tend to forget what we have and get discouraged by some puny incident. Yesterday I had one of those days. I let my guard down and let my emotions get the better of me. What now seems trivial was not the case before. A biting remark directed at me with much disdain hit its target! For the rest of the day I wallowed in self pity and cried non stop until my eyes were all swollen I could barely open them, let alone see with them.

In an instant, this one happy woman who usually walks with a happy lilt was transformed into a stooped, lonely, self deprecating hag; the direct antithesis of whom I want to be! Change can indeed happen in an instant BUT ONLY if we let it.

The rays of the morning sun greeted me from the windows of my bedroom this morning and snapped me back to reality. What am I doing? This is not the first time someone spoke ill of me; in fact, I have been in this situation more than once in my life! I guess I could say I am no stranger to the pit falls of quarrels and petty jealousies in life. A favorite story came to mind, one that my grandmother loved to tell me years ago. I can still hear her gentle voice as she narrated this tale which never ceases to penetrate the very essence of my being.

"It was advertised that the devil was going to put his tools up for sale. On the date of the sale, the tools were placed for public inspection; each tool being marked with its sale price.They were a treacherous lot of implements.

Hatred, Envy, Jealousy, Deceit, Lying, Pride, and so on. Laid apart from the rest was a harmless looking tool that appeared to have been heavily used, and was priced very high.

"What is the name of this tool?" asked one of the purchasers, pointing to it.

"That is Discouragement," replied the devil.

"Why have you priced it so high?"

"Because it is more useful to me than all the others. I can pry open and get inside people's hearts with that when I cannot get near them with my other tools. Once I get inside, I can make them do what I choose. It is badly worn because I use it on almost everyone, since very few people know that it belongs to me."

Brrr. Incredibly scary isn't it? So to any one who needs one, a piece of advice from one happy woman who almost got derailed by discouragement, the devil's most used instrument. Don't let trivial matters get you down. Let's face it, discouragement happens, bumps in the road happen, circumstances change and life can throw you a curve ball from time to time. But so what? You control the steering wheel as you drive down life's highway and no force is too big to keep you from cruising the road to happiness. Just keep your eyes on the road and rock on!