Secrets Every Woman Keeps from Her Man

The woman you sleep with gazes into your eyes and tells you she loves you. And you believe her. You can tell by the way she looks at you, the way she holds you, the way she seems to always know what you want before you do. There are a couple of things in life you just know, and love and this naked woman are two of them.

But there are a lot of things you don’t know.

A woman may give you her body and her heart, but there are parts that she’ll never give up. Pieces woven into the very fiber of her being. Mysteries only hinted at in a passing sly smile, an inscrutable laugh. These are the secrets of lovers past, hidden fantasies, and unshared longings. A woman’s deepest secrets that don’t—and never will—include you.

You’re about to sample this hidden knowledge. But like any man who seeks, you’d better be prepared for what you’re about to find.

1. My best friend knows everything. She knows all of your vitals—from the size of your bank account to the size of your other, um, holdings—and she knows how both compare with those of every other man I’ve ever dated. I have done a hand-comparison measurement so I can divulge size and girth with a high level of accuracy. When my friend smirks at you knowingly, you are not imagining it. She knows. So just know that she knows, and deal with it. (It’s not going to change.)

Ask her about me, or chat with her about our relationship, at your own risk. She will tell me. Even—in fact, especially—if she promises not to. This is not always a bad thing (e.g., if you happen to be telling her how much you love me). But, in general, remember that she is my confidante first, and yours never.

2. Just looking at your hands can turn me on.

3. When you go away, even for a day, I sleep in your favorite old T-shirt because it smells like you.

4. I’ll never tell you exactly how many men I’ve slept with. No matter how sincere I appeared when I answered your question, chances are I wasn’t. As an unscientific guideline, when a woman says she’s slept with four men, the real number is actually closer to seven. Her fib is partly intentional (she doesn’t want to appear a floozy), but mostly it’s sexual amnesia. When a woman wants to pretend an encounter never occurred, she simply scraps the man from her official score sheet. Common excuses that lead to such an omission: The actual sex lasted only a few thrusts; or she was drunk or on the rebound.

5. I fantasized about being with you at least a dozen times before we actually first got naked.

6. I still think about my ex-boyfriends and compare them to you. Mostly you win. Sometimes not.

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